Steve & Rachel's Road to Nowhere

Winter holidays arrived to mark the end of Rachel's second term at Albury North Public School, and the halfway point of our year in Australia. Our plan was to explore the east coast, between Sydney and Brisbane, driving a camper van and staying at camp sites.

It was exciting and daunting in equal measure. After all, we'd be dealing with a manual gearbox for the first time in six months. Who knew what we'd find along the way?

Well, sit back and relax, because you're about to find out. To do this trip really was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and to share the memories with my beautiful wife - just awesome.

After leaving Sydney behind, we decided to veer off the freeway and drive through the more scenic lakes region. This began at The Entrance, a small town which marks the start of this stretch of coastline. We weren't there in time to see the daily pelican feeding session, but it was a picturesque pit stop.

Although Lake Haven didn't quite live up to its name, we did make a successful collection of Rachel's birthday cake.

Driving on the narrow spit of land between Lake Macquarie and the sea was certainly more aesthetically pleasing than negotiating the freeway traffic. It also led us past some familiar names on the road signs. After stopping to eat in Swansea we drove through Gateshead and Newcastle - surely named by a Geordie when Europeans settled there in the 18th century. We had read a fairly scathing review of Forster, where we spent our first night, but we weren't there for long enough to pass judgment ourselves.

I had never heard of Port Macquarie before we started planning this trip but I'm so glad we decided to park up and walk along Lighthouse Beach (above). The power of the waves crashing towards us was immense and we almost had the beach to ourselves.

Our reward for climbing the steps up to Tacking Point Lighthouse was this view over the beach. Port Macquarie is framed by such landscapes on its eastern and southern sides and it was a treat for us to see them under sunny skies. To enhance the moment, we watched a dolphin dipping in and out of the waves below. Magical.

Friends had recommended this patisserie, Bittersweet, having passed through 'Port' a week or so before us. It surpassed even the lofty expectations their glowing reference had set. Click to enlarge the photo and take a closer look at the superb array of muffins and cakes on offer.

Our camp site experiences were generally good. Some were large, some small, some more crowded than others, but none could beat the view on offer at Moonee Beach (right). That's the moon, in case you're wondering.

You can't visit Coffs Harbour, or even drive through, without having your photo taken underneath the Big Banana. It's situated right on the side of the Pacific Highway so there's no way you can miss it. However, other than the regulation gift shop flogging tourist tat, there isn't really much else there.

Australia loves its 'Big Things', of which the banana is probably the most famous. On our travels, we also passed the Big Oyster, the Big Prawn, the Big Windmill and the Big Golf Ball. Don't ask. Just click here to see the full list. It's unbelievable.

Coffs is a slightly odd coastal resort in that its town centre isn't particularly near to the beaches. The road through town eventually turned into a car park adjacent to this jetty. Although the sky overhead was stunningly blue, my over-riding memory is that it was a mistake to step out of the van in no more than a t-shirt and shorts.

I think these two pictures compliment each other quite well. Here we are looking down from the top of Muttonbird Island, which is the grassy hill you can see in the jetty photo. It's probably the prettiest view in all of Coffs, surveying the harbour itself and the mountainous hinterland beyond. The jetty is to the left of shot.

After leaving Coffs, we made a quick detour via Woolgoolga, where the chief landmark is a large Guru Nanak temple. Of course, from the headland, more great views abounded. Quiet town.

Our only experience of Ballina was this intriguing scene at the clifftops (above): a woman leading an exercise class while rocking her pushchair. People parked alongside us in the car park had brought binoculars to spot whales but all we could see in the ocean were thundering waves roaring towards the rocks.

"Byron Bay's reputation precedes it like no other place in Australia." Our guide book was spot on; lots of people had raved about Byron Bay. But for some reasons its charms didn't seduce me. It wasn't that it was over-crowded with tourists or heavily commercialised, but more that too many people were walking around dressed like hippies or surf dudes because that was 'the done thing' here. It felt a bit false.

However, the lighthouse at Cape Byron - Australia's most easterly point - was unquestionably majestic. Framed by stormy skies on the morning of our departure, it somehow looked even more imposing.

Across the state border we drove, from New South Wales into Queensland. Where Byron Bay had left me cold, Coolangatta (below) was spellbinding. As the sun set over the Gold Coast skyline, surfers took to the water on their way home from work and rainbow lorikeets flashed over our heads, chirping noisily as they scrambled for the best roosting spots high in the trees. There was nothing pretentious here, just Australia at her stunning best. I wanted to capture this feeling and bottle it in a jar. We walked until it was dark, as far as the state boundary at Point Danger.


Life here has not always been easy for us; don't let the blog fool you into thinking that. But all the frustrations, challenges and obstacles, all of them were worth it for evenings like this. I could walk that beach a hundred times and never have enough of it. England is my home, my life, but it doesn't have anywhere which compares to this. You'll never be able to throw the 'whinging Pom' tag at me because I'll always hold my hands up when Australia plays these sort of trump cards.

The next day, up the coast at Burleigh Heads, the skyscrapers loomed larger and the surfers were out in their droves. On one side of the world, Saturday morning means dodging the divots at Hackney Marshes and on the other, it's all about wetsuits and waves.

It was fascinating to observe the surf etiquette and watch the locals in action. Was it really the middle of winter?

We walked the steep trails in Burleigh Heads National Park and emerged at this point, looking back down the coast towards Coolangatta. The picture above was taken by a friendly local chap who gave us a whistle-stop geography lesson of the area and admitted Queenslanders were lucky to have such great weather and beaches. So true.

The pace really changed when we reached Surfers Paradise, the party capital of the Gold Coast. It was chaotic, with overseas tourists everywhere. Never mind surfers, it was a pickpocket's paradise with the amount of bags, cameras and wallets left lying around while people gawped at the ocean and the tower blocks. The whole place was soulless and trashy. It would make a great location for another chapter in The Hangover film series.

One attraction in Surfers which did take our fancy was Q1, the tallest building in the southern hemisphere. We paid our monies and were crammed into a lift before rocketing 230 metres to the viewing deck. The views were spectacular, with the ocean, the never-ending beach, the city and the hinterland sprawling out beneath us.

I couldn't resist taking a closer look at some of the amazing properties on 'Paradise Island'...

...where even the rich and famous clearly have their bad days.

By now, I had gone almost a week without watching any live sport. As it turned out, though, the AFL fixture computer was smiling on us, with our team - Geelong Cats - in town for a game against the Gold Coast Suns the following day. In our hunt for tickets, we stumbled upon the world's worst tourist information booth, where one staff member said she had "absolutely no idea" where the stadium was and her colleague suggested we "get onto Google". This extraordinary incompetence was only a temporary setback, however, as we tracked down a newsagent which could book us tickets and point out the appropriate bus route to get us from our camp site to the game.

The buzz of live football is very special. I love visiting new grounds and we also had the privelege of watching the AFL's best player, Gary Ablett (left), strutting his stuff for Gold Coast.



Geelong, the reigning premiers, came into the game as red-hot favourites, while the Suns sat at the bottom of the ladder without a single win to their name all the year. However, things weren't following the script at half-time. Gold Coast were in front and the PA man announced that because the Suns had won the first quarter, every ticket-holder could claim a free quarter-pounder at their local McDonald's after the game.

Although Geelong were the visitors, the number of Cats fans inside the ground made it feel more like a home game. We sat at this end, under the big screen, where the cheer squad and many of those in blue and white had congregated. Rachel had bought me a Geelong scarf for my birthday and I felt like I fitted right in.

Despite the earlier scares, the Cats used their experience to ease home by 14 points. Steven Motlop (above) kicked this goal after the siren had gone at the end of the third quarter.

I was impressed by Metricon Stadium. There was lots of pre-match entertainment outside the arena itself and access around the stadium was incredibly easy. Gold Coast are working hard to establish their fanbase, having only formed in 2009, and although the ground was far from full, the home supporters did make a decent racket when their side was on top.

Metricon Stadium will host athletics and the opening and closing ceremonies at the 2018 Commonwealth Games. After the final hooter, we found a queue of special buses lined up outside to take supporters home. We showed our match tickets, were charged no fare, and the bus dropped us off close to our camp site.
Great service - top marks to all involved.

On the way back down the coast, we deliberately stayed at different places to those we'd already passed through. The fishing village of Iluka (above) was wonderfully tranquil and almost untouched by the tourism machine. We had some great results on the food front, too. Fish and chips - from a small shop next to where the fishing boats came in - cost just $5, and the bakery sold Rachel a reasonably large scroll of fruit-filled bread for a dollar.

We also wanted to visit Yamba, across the bay, but getting there wasn't going to be straightforward. By road, it was quite a detour, and if we took the passenger ferry across the water, we would have to double-back to collect the camper van. In the end, we decided a Top Gear challenge was in order. An FA Cup-style draw determined that I would take the ferry while Rachel drove. The next morning, we went our separate ways at the Iluka ferry wharf and the race was on.

My route was direct but slow.

Rachel had much further to travel but at least she could step on the gas.

My cause was not helped when the ferry arrived 10 minutes late. Rachel was already on the move and I was playing catch-up from minute one.

The winner would be the first to reach the lighthouse in Yamba. After the ferry driver had pointed out the quickest way to get there, I ran up the hill from the wharf and pelted into the car park, only to be greeted by this sight. Rachel had beaten the roadworks and arrived first. Clarkson 1, Captain Slow 0.

We saw lots of pelicans while we were on the road, but they were especially prominent in rain-swept North Haven.

Back in Sydney, we headed for the Northern Beaches. The sand at Narrabeen was like a slate, being washed clean the by waves every minute or so. Sometimes it was firm beneath our feet, other times it was like treading in treacle.

Behind the oceanside homes, Sydney suburbia went about its business, with the surfers and fishermen heading our way.

Palm Beach is regarded as the northernmost point of Sydney, although we know it better as the setting for Home and Away. You can't walk any further north than the Barrenjoey Lighthouse (above), which we could only reach by climbing the horribly steep Smugglers Track.

It was worth it, though. For Home and Away fans, the Surf Club is two-thirds up the beach on the left, while The Diner and Alf's Bait Shop are at the start of the jetty on the right.

Our penultimate stop, on my birthday, was at one of Australia's great tourist attractions: Bondi Beach. Under cloudy skies, it was a far cry from the huge summer crowds and the pandemonium of Christmas Day, but its aura remained.

One of my favourite Aussie TV shows is Bondi Rescue, which follows the beach lifeguards at work during the busier months of the year. With almost no-one swimming in the sea on the day we visited, they were in for a pretty quiet shift, but I did spot a couple of familiar faces heading up and down the steps.

And so to the end of our journey. We signed off with two rounds of Pirates mini golf (Caves Course and Shipwreck Course) and were pleased to banish the already forgettable memories of our last mini golf outing - on Rottnest Island.

What a cracking fortnight. I can recommend both the east coast of Australia and holidaying in a camper van. Best of all, combine the two.

School teacher Steve

This year has been one of new experiences for me. Sleeping in a tent surrounded by kangaroos. Surveying Sydney from halfway up the Harbour Bridge. Trying Vegemite.

But perhaps the most unexpected twist of all came when I was offered work at Rachel's exchange school, Albury North. I live my life surrounded by teachers; wife, family and stacks of friends are in the profession. Suddenly, I was about to get an insight into their world and try to repay the faith Rachel's principal had shown by bringing me into the classroom.

I spent four fascinating days at the school, mainly helping pupils in the youngest classes. What amazed me was how quickly they accepted a total stranger into their daily routine. A balance had to be struck between making little friends and exuding authority. Every child had different needs and characteristics, yet they shared much in common. In a kindergarten class, there is no smalltalk. None of them wanted to talk about the weather or my work background any more than I did. Instead, the most common questions ranged from "how old are you?" and "can I go to the toilet?" to "will you draw me a crocodile?"

Observing the varying styles of the teachers I worked alongside was eye-opening. Of course, their working day stretches well beyond the timetable I carried around in my back pocket. But I took real satisfaction from the short time I spent at Albury North. If I genuinely helped one child, whether academically or just by including someone who had felt left out, then I achieved something new, something worthwhile.

We spent the weekend in Griffith with our favourite Canadians; the Jackson family. If you are a new blog reader, Janice is on the same exchange programme as Rachel. Also pictured above (left to right) are her husband Howard and sons Cody, Khye and Colt. Their second-oldest, Kent, was at a friend's house.

All four boys have thrown themselves into Aussies Rules football and Saturday morning saw us all pile into the people-carrier for a drive to Ganmain, where Kent (above, 24) and Cody's teams were playing. To watch them play, you would never know the Jacksons were complete newcomers to the sport. In reality, though, the vast expanses of the footy oval could not be more different from the familiar surrounds of the ice hockey rink and their progression through the junior categories of mite, squirt, novice, atom, pee wee, bantam and midget (such good names I had to list them).

Kent's team, the younger Griffith Swans, beat their Ganmain counterparts while we watched from the sidelines. Don't be fooled by the blue skies - it was a chilly winter morning.

The older Swans, including Cody (above, centre), emerged for their game as the sun's rays began to have some effect. Kent and his team-mates gave a raucous rendition of their team song in the changing-rooms, mirroring the post-match rituals in the AFL. It looked as though a Griffith double was on the cards until Ganmain pulled away with a flurry of goals in the final quarter.

Supporting their big brothers from behind the barrier, hot dogs in hand, were Khye and Colt. Our trip to Ganmain had been a good one and we headed back to the Jackson farm to eat cookies and play with Lego.

Roles were reversed on Sunday morning as Khye (right) and Colt donned their Tigers tops for Auskick practice next to the Exies Oval in Griffith. Both boys looked good in their respective age groups and it was great to see so many youngsters enjoying their sport. AFL club colours were everywhere. Hawthorn, Carlton, Geelong, Collingwood, Richmond, Sydney, the list goes on.

This farm is Howard's workplace for the year and we called in to have a look on the way back from Auskick. The sheep, pigs and goat all rushed over when we arrived but soon slunk away when they realised we had no food for them.

I like this picture: Colt clambering through the trees and Khye flinging himself off a massive tyre. True boys.

The real beauty of this exchange has been meeting people like the Jacksons. How else would we have got to know this fantastic Canadian family? We count them as close friends.

IN OTHER NEWS...

I dragged myself out of bed at 4am on Monday to watch England v Italy in the quarter-finals of Euro 2012. Rachel joined me for the nail-biting climax to extra-time and the penalty heartache.

In this year of so many new experiences, it's oddly reassuring to know some things remain the same as ever.

Bumper mid-year edition

It's been a busy week-and-a-bit. So I'll get straight into it...

As the end of our time in Queensland drew nearer, we turned our attentions to the rainforest. After a twisty mountain drive, we arrived at Binna Burra (inland from the Gold Coast) only to be greeted by the sombre news another walker had died of a heart attack just minutes earlier. We took a different track, clambering downwards through the dense darkness of the forest.

What greeted us when we emerged into the light was a breath-taking scene. The valley behind us plunged suddenly downwards, the tops of the highest trees were shrouded in cloud and the silence of the panorama was immense. Looking out onto the ocean can both inspire and overwhelm, just as Australia's vast rainforest did at that moment.

Part of our last day in Brisbane was spent at Walkabout Creek in D'Aguilar National Park. There was a wedding in progress and someone remarked "it would be like getting married in a badger sanctuary". This little quoll is native to south-east Queensland.

There was loads of weird stuff in there: two birds that looked like owls but weren't, an ugly fish that spent the whole time treading water, a miniature frog that squished itself flat against the glass, pademelons (like tiny kangaroos) and a sleeping wombat with a head almost as big as its torso. This girl gave a really good talk on some of the animals including the python in the picture. She offered us the chance to touch it. Absolutely no way.

Rachel's cousin Sammy celebrated his birthday while we were in Brisbane. On the way home from the animal sanctuary we stopped at the Cheesecake Shop to buy him a cake. You could get a name iced on the cake for an extra $5. We asked the girl behind the counter how long it would take to ice 'happy birthday Sammy'. She said "about three days". We decided to make do with some candles.

The second State of Origin game was played after we arrived back in Albury. It was a classic, riddled with intriguing sub-plots and dramatic talking points. Sydney's ANZ Stadium cranked the atmosphere up to 11 and a narrow win for New South Wales leaves the series level ahead of the decider at Brisbane's Suncorp Stadium on July 4. Can't wait.

Before Dad flew home from Melbourne, I drew up a tour of the city which started with a tram ride to the Docklands. On the quayside stood this odd sculpture, handily named 'Cow Up A Tree'. Dad read the accompanying plaque with interest, but my attention was caught by Etihad Stadium and the Channel 7 building over the road.

And here they are... You can just see the giant '7' peeking round the corner of our tram. It probably stood five metres tall.

I loved the trams. The 'City Circle' route was free and it took us to the beating heart of Melbourne's working day. Two things Melburnians love - seemingly above anything else - are coffee and football. We sampled the former at regular intervals. The latter was yet to come.

The view from the 88th floor of the Eureka Tower gave a great illustration of Melbourne at night. Trams have retained their place in the city's infrastructure because the initial design of the roads was so strong. Follow the trails of lights and you can see how the city is one great grid (offset against the central business district). If London's straggling sprawl represents the artistry of history, then Melbourne is the product of meticulous mathematics.

Day Two of dad's Victorian adventure brought us to Puffing Billy, an old steam train which runs between Belgrave and Gembrook in the Dandenong Mountain Ranges. Our companions were the incomparable Rob & Jan Bell, whose warm hospitality and wonderful local knowledge met their regular high standards. If life in Australia was measured by our time in their company, I would emigrate.

To get the full Puffing Billy experience, ride with your legs hanging out of the carriage. This photo doesn't actually prove Rob and I were doing this (we were) but glance down the train and you can see how it's done.

Obviously, I couldn't let Dad leave Australia without setting foot inside the MCG. The weather may have been grim but it didn't detract from the experience. Hawthorn eased to a handsome win over Brisbane Lions, with Lance 'Buddy' Franklin producing a few moments of magic on his way to a five-goal haul.

The sun did peek through at intervals. Sitting up in the top tier, we were largely protected from the driving rain in any case. Dad left with a greater knowledge of the AFL, a real feel for Melbourne's two great loves (coffee and football) - and a Hawthorn t-shirt. Good on ya, mate.

Picture special: Australia v Wales

Our stay in Brisbane coincided with the first rugby union Test of a three-match series between Australia and Wales. The tourists arrived as the Six Nations champions, billed as the best side in the northern hemisphere, while the Wallabies were under severe scrutiny from the Australian media after losing to Scotland four days earlier. Our base in the city was within walking distance of Brisbane's magnificent Suncorp Stadium, so I booked tickets.

This was an interesting clash of sporting cultures. Wales are fiercely proud of their rugby union heritage and the national team easily sells out the cavernous Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, something the football team has rarely achieved since the ground was opened in 1999. On the other hand, union is well down the pecking order in Australia. Football (Aussie Rules), cricket, rugby league and soccer (football) all command more column inches and TV time. Despite this, the Wallabies are always among the favourites when the World Cup comes around and their autumn visits to the UK and Ireland continue to inflame the passions.

They proved a big draw in Brisbane, too. A crowd in excess of 42,000 filled most of Suncorp Stadium, which will be absolutely pumping when Queensland and New South Wales smash each other to bits in the final State of Origin game on July 4.

The gleaming Suncorp Stadium begins to fill as the players warm up

Who says men can't multi-task?

National Anthems. It has to be said 'Land Of My Fathers' is a spine-tingler.

First blood to the Wallabies

Scrum time

A red wave of attacking intent begins to gain momentum

The tourists kicked their way back into contention...

...but this converted try got Australia across the line

To put some meat on the bones, Australia opened up a 20-6 lead and looked to be in total control. An Alex Cuthbert try got Wales back in the game and two penalties by Leigh Halfpenny made it a 'one point ball game' going into the closing stages, before the Wallabies settled matters with their third try of the evening.

I had never been to a rugby game before and judging by the number of people explaining the rules to their friends during play, I wasn't alone. All around us, different accents could be heard above the general hubbub; American, Scottish, Kiwi and Irish to name a few.

All in all, my first foray into the rugby union world had been enjoyable. Now get me to Twickenham.